Toilet Serenity

I promised myself I would never put myself through it again. The pain, the excruciating pain, the suffering. Ohhhh the horror. No, it’s not marriage.

I promised myself I would never drink a full jumbo size Pepsi while entering a cinema ever again. After what I went through with WAYNE’S WORLD, my bladder has never been the same. You think you’ll be okay; you can take a whiz after the movie is over. But no, you don’t listen to that voice in your head. You would rather watch the trailers that you can see anytime, than duck out before the movie starts.

That’s where you go wrong.

WAYNE’S WORLD nearly killed me. I was so full of urine that my whole body cramped up, and it seemed to take 20 minutes to finally drain out. What a relief. Guinness World Records should have been there to measure the volume in gallons and how long it took to disperse. I swear I was losing feeling in all three legs.

Common sense says I should have just quickly darted out to the toilet and gone back in before the movie ends. But it was WAYNE’S WORLD; every minute you would see another cameo, another pop culture reference and the closer you got to the ending, the more exciting it was. So needless to say I was not gonna waste my admission for a bloody toilet break. Thank Gawd I survived, but it did traumatise me. But it was WAYNE’S WORLD- Mike Myers’ first big movie, at the time no one knew what it would become.

Flash forward to 2007, the opening of Spiderman 3. You would think that every time I see WAYNE’S WORLD I remember that day. But no, I’m obviously not traumatised enough. I was thirsty, and thought a jumbo Pepsi should be right. By about halfway through the movie, it hit me. She’ll be right, I had thought to myself. It won’t be long before this thing is over and I’ll go to the toilet. Ha ha, won’t have a WAYNE’S WORLD tonight. No-sir-ree bob, not gonna happen. I soon realised that what I thought was halfway through the movie, ended up only being a third of the way into it.

30 minutes in, the cramps started happening.

50 minutes later, the uncomfortable cramps reach around into my back. I’m getting that tingling in my kidneys or whatever it is back there, my bladder feels like it’s full and is now pushing out. OH MY GAWD, It’s WAYNE’S WORLD all over again. NOOOOooo!!!

I eat as much popcorn as I can, to try and counter-act the urine build up, but all that salt only makes me want to drink more. I’m in trouble.

It’s a packed house. The movie is into the third act. It rocks: I can’t afford to miss a second of this. OH MY GAWD! VENOM is awesome. I CAN’T GET UP. I have waited 3 years to see VENOM in action and I ain’t gonna leave now.

I can’t ruin this movie for all the people around me either.

20 minutes later,

I’m dying. VENOM and SANDMAN are kicking Spiderman’s ASS, I know Spiderman’s gonna win because it’s his movie. But I still can’t leave: Is Harry gonna save the day. Is Mary Jane gonna die?

FARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRrkkkkk

My bladder is about to fucking explode. My wee wee feels like it’s about to trickle out. There must be a ton of piss wanting to pour out. Then I got that thought:

YES

You know the one, the one that everyone thinks about in a situation like this.

YES

Do I piss in the cup?

It’s dark, no one can see, they are all watching the movie. Hell, the guy next to me is asleep.

Then I realised doing it with no one seeing is one thing, but the sour aroma of warm Pepsi laden piss with a hint of salty popcorn would not go down well right at this most climatic scene.

I can’t leave…

I get through to the wrap up… Ohhh How Sad…

COME ON and FUCKING END… PLEASE

WOW, nice ending…

Ohh shit…

Sam Raimi’s done a George Lucas and tacked on 5 bloody endings.

I can’t take this much more. It’s gonna go everywhere.

If my penis was big enough I would tie it in a knot but I am not John Holmes.

Cold sweats, my guts, kidneys and stomach all ache in unison, my legs feel as weak as a cheerleader with a whole rugby team.

I swear I am dying. HALLELUJAH, the credits go up.

I take the two kids with me and some how stumble out of the cinema like a person holding bad diarrhoea in his pants. Each movement down a step feels like King Kong Bundy is bouncing on my bladder. I somehow beat most of the guys into the toilet. But that didn’t stop it from being packed in there. For a moment I thought it was going to end all there, right on the clean porcelain floors, in front of everyone.

But alas, there was an actual toilet cubical spare, so I closed the toilet door and couldn’t get my pants off quick enough.

And then it happened.

The room was packed with males, all congregated for the one thing: to PISS.

No one spoke a single word. All were experiencing the same thing: RELIEF.

It was tranquil. Everyone was in a male version of enlightenment, of calmness.

Instead of a gentle flowing stream of water, it was piss.

That’s all that could be heard.

Gallons, gallons, or litres rather, of golden flowing piss.

Very very strange. It was like, we all have our own lives, do completely different things and think different thoughts. Some of us are assholes, some of us top blokes. But at the end of the day we are human, we are male, and we all need to take a fucking piss. And what a relief it was. More lightening than enlightening I suppose.

But an experience none the less. Next time I will force myself not to get the jumbo.

 

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