THE QUEST: UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

“This guy is walking on the beach somewhere in California. He sees a lamp, rubs it, and a Genie comes out. The genie is so happy that he decides to grant one wish to the lucky guy. The guy thinks about it and says, “I’d like you to build a highway to Hawaii because I am afraid to fly”. The genie responds that this can’t be done because it would be technologically impossible considering the depth of the ocean and the distance to Hawaii. So he asks the guy to wish for something else. The guy thinks about it and, very enthusiastically, wishes he would understand women. The genie than said, “Do you want your highway to have 2 or 4 lanes?”
Author Unknown, Source: The Internet

For all those males out there, don’t despair: I have taken up the ultimate quest. That is, to seek out answers to the age old question: how the hell do you understand women? On my journey, through mountains of Google searches, through terrifying winds (bad breath from scholars), I have developed this roadmap that will eventually lead to the answers we seek.

When I first did a Google search for ‘UNDERSTANDING WOMEN’, I was shocked when Germaine Greer’s face came up in all of my results. But then I realised I accidentally typed in ‘STEVE IRWIN HATER’ by mistake. From the results I found quite a few cool pages. It seems a lot of us men have been having the same problem.

I was recently told that asking the question, “how can we as men, understand women?” was pointless and redundant. The person in question said, “Everything that needs to be understood about women has already been established, and that whatever answers I am trying to seek are equally pointless and only going to waste my time.” I replied that the purpose of my questions was not to find THE ANSWER per se, but rather listen to opinions from others, both male and female. There was silence from her end. Was this silence her way of showing that maybe I had a point? Was the silence her way of feeling threatened on behalf of the entire female population? Was her silence due to the fact that she was trying to think of a response to regain control of the conversation? Was she thinking about the price of ham down at the supermarket? We may never know for sure…
But this, dear friend, is what I’m talking about…

“Do you think I look fat in this dress?” One of the most popular questions a guy is asked, it has been the subject of many comedians’ punch lines and many men’s source of frustration. It is this question that stands head and shoulders above them all. It is the benchmark of everything we know and what we seek to know about what makes a woman tick.
When a woman asks you this there’s no doubt about it: you’re doomed. If you are smart you will either find a ringing in your ears that allows you not to hear anything, or some other equally effective distraction. Saying “can you smell fire?” is a good one, but only works once. Say it twice and she will start to smell something of a lie.
Basically if you are stuck, can’t get out of it, cornered or up against the wall no matter what you say next it will be nothing but a wrong answer.

If she’s asked you this is because she knows she is fat, she’s already spent the last 20 minutes doing the fat ass shuffle in the full body mirror, she’s already spent 10 minutes staring at the printed tag size and is in shock that it’s not as loose fitting as she remembered. That is why she should NOT be asking this question in the bloody first place.
Are you sure you couldn’t smell fire? Are you sure your ears haven’t started ringing?

It is the classic scenario of being damned if you do and damned if you don’t. If you lie to her and say she looks fantastic, that her ass is nice and skinny, she will know it’s not the truth and no doubt give you that evil eye that women give you. And here’s the thing: she will not only punish you for not being truthful but get even more upset with the fact that you have obviously noticed the extra kilos, and are lying to boot. Either way you can not win.

Some are lucky, and can get out before it becomes heated again. Some of us also learn from this and never get caught in the crossfire, some are just plain stupid and fall for the trick numerous times.
Further, it seems some are lucky enough to have a woman who goes that extra mile for us when the question has been raised. We have those special ladies who will go for the Academy award for best performance in a motion picture drama by breaking into tears with such classics as “you don’t love me for who I am” , “I bet that young piece down at the office can…” spiel. Be careful, shut up and let her cry it out. Otherwise you will have another can of worms on your plate.
At the end of the day you still love her, and that is what counts. Just make sure neither you nor her buy any new dresses for a while.
So why do women indulge in these silly mind games?
Well for one thing they’re women, who have always been known to think and react with their emotions – at least more than men do, in general. Yet hopefully with this whole ‘new aged guy’ thing being more acceptable and respectable, and the fact a lot more of us men aren’t afraid to cry, maybe the tables will soon turn or at least, there will be a more level playing field for these mind games.
But until then we need to work on this with the women, these beautiful creatures. We have to work them out.

It’s really about them testing us, it seems, as to who takes the control in a relationship.
The typical guy is usually clueless about the mind games women play. But play them they will, so you’d better be aware of what’s going on. Otherwise it could get tricky.

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