The Art Of The Fart

The Art Of The Fart

We have learned that basically everything with a heart, farts. This includes rich people, politicians, priests and the even the queen. Obviously the best time to fart is when you are alone or better still, on a toilet, at a beach or a concert where no one can work out who dealt the smelly blow. Sometimes deli queues are risky and delivery has to be subtle otherwise no amount of bad salami is gonna cover it up. Obviously you could blame the dog or cat, if one should be present, or complain about how the wind must be blowing from the direction of the paper mill or fish shop, or freshly laid chicken poo on a garden. But sometimes you just can’t disguise it and therefore have to consider… When Not To Fart…

It should go without saying that farting in an elevator is potential suicide. With a group of people you might get away with it by acting oblivious and innocent, or by glancing quickly at the person next to you as if you think he/she did it. But when it’s just you and one other person, it’s not going to take long to work out who did it, especially if there was an audible butt trumpet. Yet, I know of some people in that position who can actually turn the tables and although knowing quite well it was them who farted, use the power of persuasion or of the mind and somehow plant the seed of doubt into the smeller. This in turn makes them think it was them who must have let fluffy off the chain. That kind of power is dangerous and could be used for evil.

It’s one thing to fart at the dinner table, but for some reason people don’t like you farting near the salad bar.

Another is long trips in the car, especially when it’s just you and the great looking girl you’re trying to impress. This can be difficult. Two hours into the trip, your guts are starting to cramp up and you just need to let that trumpet rip. But the air conditioner is on, the windows are up and you know rotten egg gas isn’t the thing you want to impress her with.

So you override the pain with thoughts of saving her life from toxic fumes and you keep it plugged up. Yet the sad thing is for some reason you could have swore a few times you, yourself had smelt fart. She obviously let fluffy off the chain and didn’t care about what you think and plays the oblivious card all too well. Yet, remember, she was a lady, they don’t officially fart (we are lead to believe anyway), or rather they don’t bring attention to it like us guys do. Yet, nonetheless it doesn’t stop it from smelling any less. As a guy you can’t win, even if you’re a being thoughtful and a gentleman. You saved her life remember…No respect.

Ways to disguise a fart:

If you’ve gotta fart, and you know your butt is gonna bugle call, there are some ways to get around it. Strategies include: coughing, clapping or suddenly moving your chair so that people misheard the fart (doesn’t quite work on plastic or steel chairs) – leather and vinyl covered chairs are great for this.

Farting loudly in a public restroom can be a problem, as the sound seems to be louder than normal, and the echoes bouncing off the walls can be kind of embarrassing.

The solution is what Facts on Farts call “The Buff Muff”, which basically means that you need to use a handful of loose toilet paper, cover your butt hole and it will muffle the farting. Depending upon the company, another strategy is not to cover it up at all, but to proudly embrace your atomic age and proclaim your fart as your own grand accomplishment, and issue a challenge to all those around you to try and outdo you.

 

 

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